“ I’m sorry Mrs. Lewis but you will never be able to have children naturally” I blinked rapidly at the doctor telling my husband and I this and wanted to tell her “what the fuck do you know?” As I look at all her degrees and whatever else was framed on her office wall, I still thought, this lady knows nothing! She said some other stupid shit that I didn’t hear, she handed me a referral for a fertility specialist. Now the good lady doctor obviously knew a little something, I think as I sit in the fertility doctors office awaiting my consultation, but thats neither here nor there.
I wont bore you with the details of the consult, but after careful review of my inhospitable uterus the doctor decided IUI wouldn’t work for us and we would have to go straight to the bank, excuse me, I mean IVF. Test after test after painful test it has been decided that my husband’s stoner sperm was just “perfect” and I was the root of our infertility woes. Yes yes of course I am, I screamed in my head. Just wonderful I thought, I spent my entire 20’s trying NOT to get knocked up and now that I actually wanted it, I would spend most of my 30’s trying. Go fucking figure.
We got to work right away, ordering our medications and the orange capped needles that looked like a heroin addicts wet dream. I’m an extreme type A so I had everything organized to the T. Calendars and schedules tapped to the cabinet door next to the fridge to appropriately document and check things off as we stabbed my poor belly three times a day. Can’t forget a thing! This was our first egg retrieval or “stims” as they call it. I was not fucking this up! I had decided to throw my body into complete shock by giving up caffeine, alcohol, and only eating organic foods. Looking back, in my best Julia Robert’s, BIG MISTAKE. I was already pumping my poor body with a shit ton of hormones and you thought it was a good idea to give up coffee?! The fuck is wrong with you? Insert big eye roll here please. Any who we’ll come back to that.
My husband did his thing sticking me with things every day and night, I wasn’t surprised, am I right? No but for real he was a champion and I wouldn’t have made it through without his support and most importantly his hugs. The way these hormones can fuck up your mind was something I’ll never forget. I felt like the girl from the exorcist where I could spin my head around 360* then vomit all over the place in the next second, and cry hysterically because the dog yawned. I mean it was the worst trip of my life but we made it. Finally egg retrieval day was upon us and I was thriving in pain. It felt as thought my ovaries were going to explode and I couldn’t even hide the pain I was feeling. Nothing helped, the nurses gave me a hot pack as I waited for my turn. Im pretty sure I threw that shit against the wall. I did make note though, if I was to ever do this again, I wont be third in line, your ass is going to be first!
I was in so much pain that I just wanted the anesthesia to start flowing so I could get some relief. Next thing I know I’m waking in the “room” with the nicest nurse on the planet and she told me they retrieved 6 eggs. 6?! SIX!! Thats it! The nice nurse said remember, quality over quantity blah blah, as she’s helping me towards the bathroom because the anesthesia is making me nauseous. How could this be? I did everything right, I ate organic for fucks sake! The next five days were even more painful as I watched my 6 eggs die off everyday until we ended up with 2 viable embryos. I’m not sure what was worse, the shots, the pain or the 5 day wait.
The Spiritual Cerologist 